Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
