my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
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