I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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