dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
