Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
