When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
