Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
