There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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