I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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