i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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