I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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