I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
