My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
