You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
