That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
