And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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