dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
