This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
