Please, let me fuck your mom
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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