I CAN MOONWALK!
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
