I feel great
I just peed on a car
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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