So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
