dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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