She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
