I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
