I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
