There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
