Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
