forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I didn't notice because vodka
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
How naked do you want me to be?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
