OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
