tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
