FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
