I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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