Me. At least after what I've been through.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
love makes seman taste better
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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