i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
