i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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