I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
