walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
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