I cannot find my penis.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Welp...herpes.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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