So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
