Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
