conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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