remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
