if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
