All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
