Tell her she can't have a vagina
I could make wine with my vomit
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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