I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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