And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
