Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
