Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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