my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
