How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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