you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
