dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
