I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
