i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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