hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
